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Parenthood and generational conflict - what to do to make everyone happy?

Parenthood and generational conflict - what to do to make everyone happy?


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"Not so ... I'll show you" - once with a smile on your face, other times in combination with a gesture of rolling your eyes or a worried face - so for generations parents have been providing their adult children with information on how to care for and raise a child. Why are they doing this? Out of concern, the need to share experience and advice, and the desire to be needed. Theoretically, debuting parents should be grateful to them. And they are. However, provided that the help is focused on the other person. Not intrusive, inviting enough and ready to make concessions. Only then can one party be happy to give it, and the other can be grateful that they have someone they can rely on.

That everyone would have the right to raise their own way

We are not free from influence. We grew up in a specific environment. For years, we have been influenced by our values ​​and the way we look at the world of our parents. Even if we swore that we would be better than them, it can be different. Certain patterns of behavior, deeply rooted in us, become apparent especially at times of considerable emotions. When we stop controlling the situation.

"I remember that day very well. Marysia came back from school with a fever. She felt very bad. However, I remembered asking for several days to put on a hat. That day I looked out the window from the other side. Yes, she had a hat, but only for the bend. Then she took her off. All waited, she waited for her to come home. And she came back with a fever, she felt terrible. And instead of hugging her to give warm tea and take her to bed right away, I shouted at her out of anger and powerlessness, said it was her fault that she wasn't listening to me. I did exactly what my mother did. When I fell, instead of giving me a hand, she threatened me with a threatening eye and a nod to get up and watch out. After the story with Marysia, I noticed that I was like her, that I was doing exactly what annoyed me in my mother. "

Is there a way to do this? It is impossible to write in a few sentences. It is certain that work, consistency and realizing your limitations can help. Just like accepting the fact that we as parents will make mistakes. However, this does not change the fact that it is our right to commit them. And they don't have to be the same mistakes that our parents had.

Some things are done in given families not because it is a solution widely recognized as the best, but because it was done by grandmother, great grandmother, and this distinguishes us from others. Sometimes we try to run away from family rules on raising children. We try to raise our own way. We have a right to this and it should be respected.

Principles of good contacts

Raising a child under one roof with grandparents is a real school. It is similar even when we are hundreds of kilometers apart and theoretically "we only talk on the phone and see each other rarely". Even in such situations, you need to have a lot of patience and good will not to complain about the quality of these contacts. Working on good relations between grandparents and grandchildren and children with parents is worth the effort. However, efforts are needed from each side.

Advice for grandparents:

    1.  It is easier to offer help than to ask for it. Therefore, if you are a grandmother or grandfather, take the initiative, suggest that you come to your grandchildren and take care of them, so that parents can go out only together. Of course, offering help cannot be associated with a negative response when your parents politely thank you for your suggestion. Be nearby, even on the phone and arrange a different date.
    2. No one is obliged to help. Grandparents do not have to help their grandchildren, just as parents do not have to bring this help to their parents. However, the experience of many people shows that good comes back to people, hence when parents are not left alone, grandparents in the greatest need can count on the support of their loved ones. Of course there are exceptions to the rule. Still, everyone has to make their own decisions: decide whether they want to actively help in caring for their granddaughters or not. If you want to have good contact with children, you need to help in an honest way, i.e. free yourself from "expecting something in return." This form of help can be brought among distant friends, not in a family in which it would be best to free yourself from bargaining in the style of "something for something." Therefore: Grandma, Grandpa, if you help, do not recall this help, do not brag / complain about it. Do it with the heart's need. If you don't have such a desire, let it go.
    3. Don't give uninvited advice. Sometimes it is very difficult to stop it, but it's best not to do it. Usually, it does not end with one "valuable tip", followed by more immediately. Parents feel trapped, have the impression that they are considered incompetent, and when it comes to the first weeks in which a woman feels a hormonal storm after childbirth, imposing "her own right" may end more emotionally. Therefore, it is best to express your opinion when we are asked about it.
    4. Remember your children Just because you become a grandfather or grandmother doesn't mean you stop being a parent. Therefore, do not "throw yourself" at the toddler immediately after visiting family, remember that your daughter or son still need you as a parent. Talk about their doubts, fears and difficulties. Let yourself be told and show that your children are still important to you. Do not forget to praise (preferably in public), and when something does not suit you and you are not able to turn a blind eye to it, say it in the eye, without witnesses. Instead of buying another pair of rompers, bring a fresh compote for the nursing mother, help her in small orders. Be close. After all, you love your children. Not just grandchildren.
    5. Don't come unannounced. - that's a good rule. Everyone wants some privacy. If you follow this rule, your children will also warn you about your visit by phone.
    6. Be psychic support - support your children by hearing what they have to say to you. If your daughter complains that she has problems with breastfeeding, do not spread the vision that in your case everything was fine, that you were a lactation expert. Your child does not expect such help, even if it's true. Just listen, say that everything will be fine. And when complaints persist, offer help. Look for a lead for a good lactation clinic. Be close.
    7. Don't undermine authority - Most grandparents say they don't. In practice, however, it turns out that if there were competitions in this category they would receive the first prize. You don't have to tell your grandson directly that you don't know your mum or dad to undermine their authority. You do the same when you give your child a toy that his dad took five minutes ago without letting him play with it. You undermine authority when you do not hide with the comment that "Jaś, or Dominika did nothing, why this punishment?". You do it again when you give your child sweets before dinner, "because mother can't see and grandparents are spoiled." Think about whether you want to enjoy a delightful grandson or a spoiled toddler who doesn't respect anyone?



Comments:

  1. Faine

    Very valuable thing

  2. Metaur

    Yes, really. And I have faced it.

  3. Sennet

    Very good!

  4. Alcides

    I protest against this.

  5. Askook

    Sorry to interrupt you, but I need a little more information.



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